Helium is Bad for You.
by Ume no Hana
Summary: Completely AU. Kenshin and Sanosuke act like typical teenage males; Megumi is evil. LoL. Rated PG for Sano's potty-mouth and weird situations in chapter 2.
1. Helium is Bad for You.

**All disclaimers apply. **

"Hey!" Kenshin!! I got helium!!" Sanosuke shouted at his best friend, as he ran to his "hangout" spot down the hill. He had a rep of being a bully, but if you were lucky enough to become his friend, he was one of the most loyal friends one could possibly have. 

"Oro?" As Sanosuke handed him a bright red balloon, Kenshin couldn't help but get a bad feeling about what they were about to do. "Uh, Sano…don't people die from doing this?" 

Sanosuke grinned his cocky grin. 

"Kenshin, Kenshin, Kenshin… You worry way too much. We're only going to have coupla weird ass voices for a while." And with that, Kenshin and Sanosuke untied their balloons, sucked all the helium out, and fell simultaneously on the grass. 

/Those idiots…they passed out!/

Megumi was already frustrated by the fact Kenshin had asked Kaoru out to the homecoming dance instead of her, and seeing her friends pass out on helium intake made her more annoyed. /Were they always this stupid? What did I see in Ken-san, anyway?/ 

The megitsune's ears popped out when she got an idea on what to do to take advantage of their unfortunate situation. She sometimes surprised even herself with her wicked ideas, and this was certainly one of them. She got up from her spot under the tree, dusted her skirt, and got to work. 

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"Okashira, about our project for history—" Hannya started, but stopped when he sensed something suspicious. "Wait here." Hannya was always cautious when passing by Zanza's hangout, but this was different. Instead of the usual screams of pain echoing from the poor students Zanza chose to beat to a pulp, there was silence. Hannya moved gracefully hidden by the shadows of trees, until he came up to the tree right by Zanza's tree. Slowly, he peeked over his shoulder. 

/!?!?/ 

Hannya almost vomited. There they were, Kenshin on top of Sano—on the ground!! 

Hannya hurriedly ran back his friends.

"Shikijou, Hyottoko— get Aoshi sama out of here!!" Shikijou and Hyottoko grabbed the slightly surprised Aoshi, and carried him omikoshi style without hesitation.

"H…Hannya, what happened? Aoshi stuttered, due to his friends' off-season omikoshi march. He knew that Hannya and the others were obsessed about his well being, but this was too much.

"Aoshi sama—!!" They stiffened when they heard that familiar voice. "Hannya kun—where _are_ you guys?!" 

"No time to explain, Okashira! Makimachi Misao's near!" Shikijou sped up his pace, successfully getting further away from Misao. Misao had been following Aoshi and his friends ever since they started going to school together. What was she going to do when she caught up to them? She'd probably ask Aoshi out, but Aoshi's followers wouldn't allow for anyone to distract their okashira from his schoolwork.

Besides, Shinomori Aoshi was clueless when it came to love.

"…Aoshi sama…" Misao spotted some strands of spiky black hair down by the hill where Zanza hang out. "Hey, Hyottoko kun miiikke!" Misao ran down the hill, thinking she was a participant in a game of hide-and-seek. "Gegh!" Misao's eyes widened she saw that the hair belonged to Sanosuke. /Don't wanna mess with him…/ Misao began to quietly back away. /Ah…!/ Misao's eyed widened to the size of saucers when she noticed a familiar red haired figure directly on top of Sano. 

"HANGYAAAA!!" 

Misao's scream could be heard all across the school.

/Misao chan!?/ Kamiya Kaoru was in the gym, practicing her kendo forms when she heard her friend's unmistakable scream. /That okama better not be flashing her again!!/ Kaoru grabbed her shinai and ran towards the direction of which the scream originated.

"Misao chan!! What happened?!" Kaoru could only see Misao's trembling figure pointing at something down the hill. 

"A…a…" Misao turned her head towards Kaoru, who was now walking up the hill with her shinai firmly gripped in her hands. "H…Himura…and…Sano..suke.." Misao was as pale as snow. 

/!?!?/ Kaoru's flesh soon matched Misao's face, then turned bright red as a result of her confusion and anger. "K…Kenshin no BAKA!!" Kaoru grabbed the smaller girl and stormed out of the "corrupt" scene. 

_______________________________________________________________________________ 

Author's notes: Ah, yet another AU idea out of my little head. I know this chapter is short, but again, that's my style. A lot of my friends read this and thought that I turned into a pervert. I didn't mean for anything to be perverted (in the next chapter) . 

I got this idea from my own guy friends getting high off of helium. 

-Ume no Hana 

P.S.: "Megitsune" means "female fox", "miiikke (mikke)!" means "found you!", and "okama" means "homosexual man (rather, a more disrespectful way of saying it) ". 


	2. Helium is Still Bad for You.

**All disclaimers still apply. **

"Misao chan!! What happened?!" Kaoru could only see Misao's trembling figure pointing at something down the hill. 

"A…a…" Misao turned her head towards Kaoru, who was now walking up the hill with her shinai firmly gripped in her hands. "H…Himura…and…Sano..suke.." Misao was as pale as snow. 

/!?!?/ Kaoru's flesh soon matched Misao's face, then turned bright red as a result of her confusion and anger. "K…Kenshin no BAKA!!" Kaoru grabbed the smaller girl and stormed out of the "corrupt" scene. 

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"Ah...today's a perfect day to hit on Shishio sama!" Kamatari was totally taken by surprise when Kaoru and Misao bumped past her...erm, him. 

The girls made Kamatari drop his books. 

"Chotto!" Abunai wane!!" Kamatari warned as he picked up his books. "Mou..." 

/What was that Kamiya girl crying about?/ Kamatari smirked mischievously. /There's only one sure way to find out.../ 

Oh how he loved gossips! 

/...go to whatever the girls ran from!/ 

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Megumi was certainly enjoying this. More people witnessed Kenshin and Sano's "private affair" than she thought. The part when Kaoru saw her beloved little Kenshin with Sanosuke was indubitably her favorite scene out of the whole ordeal. 

/I can be so evil at times...Oh! I almost forgot.../ Megumi left her spot when she noticed there was still something missing. 

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Kamatari squealed in delight when he found the popular red-head and the ippatsu yarou on the ground sleeping. 

"Yada... and I thought they were straight!!" 

Kamatari plopped down next to them. "I wanna join!" Kamatari plopped his head on top of Kenshin's back. "Oyasumi nasai..." Kamatari giggled and went to sleep.

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"Tsunan san c/~" Megumi sang in a flirty tone.

Katsu didn't like this one bit. The most scandalous girl in the school looked like she was going to ask him a favor. He swallowed, trying to get ready for whatever the beautiful fox was going to ask. 

"H...hai?"

"You, being the handsome school newspaper reporter, can help little ol' me out a tad bit, right?" Megumi placed her one of her arms on her elbow and tapped her bottom lip with her finger. "Of course, it will benefit you, too. I just saw the most terrifying thing outside!" 

Katsu's eyes brightened.

The sly young woman chuckled; she knew that'd catch the reporter's attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

/Nanka omoi degozaru...../ Kenshin was slowly coming back to consciousness, and the first thing he noticed was the weight on his back. "Oro?!" Kenshin jerked up, fully awake, knocking Kamatari's head off his back. 

"...Itata... Naniyo, ikinari!" Kamatari glared at Kenshin, who was busy shaking Sano awake. "...tte chotto!! Are you listening?!" 

"Sano!! Wake up!!" 

"...h...hur...?" Sano mumbled groggily. "Let me sleep for five more minutes, ma...OOMPH!" Sano finally woke up after Kenshin punched him hard on the stomach. "What the HELL was that for?!" 

"S...sorry... But look at the sky!! It's night!!" The usually calm red head yelled loud enough to wake the dead. /What exactly happened?! Why was I on top of Sano? And Kamatari—/ 

"So, when did you two get together?" Smiling, Kamatari asked while he straightened out his skirt. "I knew you two'd go out someday!"

"Oro..."

"You got it all wrong, okama yarou!!" Sano grabbed Kamatari violently by the collar of his school uniform. "I'll crush your face in!!"

"Mou...Muki ne..." Kamatari calmly teased Sanosuke; he wasn't a bad fighter himself, despite his girlish appearance. "Ufu. Whatever. I'd be happy to play with you." *wink*

"Temee...!!" Sano raised his fist.

The diplomatic Kenshin was back. "Sano, stop. It's not Kamatari's fault we ended up like...uh, whatever we were doing. Come to think about it, we were sucking helium, remember? ...We must've passed out..."

"Awww...Nanda. You guys just passed out?! No fun." Kamatari kicked some grass and turned away. "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted... Oyasumi!"

"Kisama!! You—" Kenshin stopped Sanosuke again.

"We should just forget about what happened. As long as no one else knows, we should be okay..." Kenshin smiled reassuringly. "And it does help that we hang out away from the crowd."

Sanosuke shrugged. "Plus if anyone saiz crap about it, I'll kill 'em."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~next morning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenshin walked up to the school with his usual air of confidence. One thing different about that morning, though, was the murmur of gossip floating around wherever Kenshin passed by.

It was Kenshin's own bubble of confidence that kept him oblivious to those murmurs.

"Yo! Kenshin!" Sano trotted alongside his friend. "Have you—" He cut himself off when he saw his friend suddenly fall over with a bonk to his head.

"Kenshin no BAKA!!" With hair sticking to her blushing cheeks with hot tears, the attacker was a mess. "...hic...hic... I..thought... you...I..." Kaoru couldn't finish pouring out her feelings. She ran off, Kenshin following right behind her.

"Kaoru dono—..." They were gone.

"Oi, Sagara."

Sano turned around casually, surprisingly maintaining his cool after the KenKao event. 

The deep, rich voice belonged to that of Hiko Seijuurou. 

He smirked.

"You know...," he started, "I don't think you're eligible for the Manly Man Club—not after this, anyway..." Hiko flashed the school news paper to the rooster head. The headline read "Students Caught in Action!!" with a lovely accompaniment of a photo shot of Sano, Kenshin, and Kamatari "snuggling" on the grass. 

Sano stood there, mouth open, while the cool Autumn wind blew at his hair. 

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Eee. I'm sorry for messing with the characters so much. Kamatari really is fun to write, though. He also makes me want for him to talk in Japanese. Please feel free to ask me to translate any Japanese you didn't understand. I'm sorry to make this so difficult for non Japanese speakers, but Kamatari just fits Japanese really well (Probably because there _is_ a distinction between femininity and masculinity in Japanese speech.-- Kamatari speaks feminine.). Thanks for reading my second fic! 

Comments are mucha appreciated.

-Ume no Hana


End file.
